25 Of The Onion's Best Headlines About Cleveland

NFLPA Received Numerous Complaints From Free Agents Harassed By Cleveland Browns

“We’ve unfortunately heard from a host of free agents around the league who have been forced to deal with continuous unwanted and, frankly, pretty aggressive overtures from Browns front office executives and coaches,” said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith, adding that allegations against the Browns organization include calling potential free agent signings at all times of night, leaving long, rambling messages on their voicemails, and mailing them numerous Browns jerseys already stitched with their name and number.”

Cleveland Ukrainian Museum Pulling Out All Stops To Prepare For Onrush Of RNC Visitors

“‘I also rented a dozen more rope posts so we can control the line and have it wrap neatly along the side of the building when the RNC events let out and people start making their way over here. Our goal is to get everyone inside and learning about Ukrainian history as quickly and seamlessly as possible.’”

God Clarifies That He Still Hates Cleveland Fans Despite Cavaliers Championship

“‘I just figured that enough is enough, so I decided to throw them a bone and finally give them a title, but believe me, I still can’t stand Cleveland teams or their fans,” said the Lord”.

Kids In 'Scared-Straight' Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice

“While there, they were subjected to the same environment of hopelessness and despair the Cavaliers face every day and were forced to watch the NBA's worst team attempt layup drills, run the most basic offensive plays, and play a full-court scrimmage.”

Legal Loophole In Art Modell's Will Eliminates Cleveland Browns Forever

“At press time, sources confirmed Modell had bequeathed the Browns’ 1964 NFL championship to LeBron James and ordered the immediate demolition of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.”

Secret Service Rooftop Sniper Team Depressed By Sprawling View Of Cleveland

“Man, I thought maybe if I looked the other way I would feel better, but there’s just a murky river full of floating garbage on this side. I just hope I can come down soon.”

Ohio State Self-Reported Secondary Violations They Just Assume Currently Happening

“At press time, the NCAA had released a statement saying they assumed they were already closely monitoring the university for some recruiting bullshit.”

LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums

“‘Honestly, it’s been a big let down—none of the neighborhoods I’ve been to are as cool and arty as the Flats and Tremont. Cleveland had the lakefront, too. L.A. doesn’t have any great lakes, and I haven’t spotted a single James Garfield Monument.’”